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Sometimes I am tempted with thoughts that when I get older and have my own house, I would never ever come back. Even though these ideas are soon enough dismissed, they still say something about me and I believe, teenagers in general. I often wonder if parents have any idea that their kids consider these things. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that parents better be good to their kids or else when they grow up they'll never talk to them again. In some sense that's true, and it's happened before. I'm not saying I'm going to do that, but still. It seems like a lot of parents are oblivious to that. These are things that I'd definitely think about when I become a parent. Why do I feel like I am the only one?

A Midsummer Nightmare

I haven't been sleeping too well lately. I'm not sure why. I'd get all these bizarre random dreams too. gahh. Anyway, I've been really busy lately. I volunteer at a nursing home in the mornings and get home for about an hour and then I go off to driver's ed in the evening. That means almost no time to myself and I wake up early and sleep late on weekdays. Kind of like during the school year. Ughh, I don't want to be reminded of the school year, but this is exactly like it :(. a'sdfklas;fkas;fja;s.

end of june

well. June has come to an end :( i love summer. i don't know what to say. I look outside and I see life. and time stands still. and no school. I could say that forever. no school, no school, no school. clearly, I still think in a very childish manner sometimes. But oh well. I think I deserve to have the chance to do so.

late-night stuffz

I have a habbit of staying up really late on school nights, even when I'm not particularly doing homework or talking to anyone. When I do this, I am in my room at about 12:00-2:00 AM with the door closed and the light on, so my parents don't know what I am doing. They used to just assume that I was doing homework, but then they noticed that I do it on weekends too, and they get annoyed. My mom asked me what in the world I was doing up so late if I'm not doing schoolwork. At this point I just shrug and say "stuff", and get on with whatever it is that I am doing.

So what do I do at night? Well. I sit on my bed and think about everything in my life. I think about my past and sometimes try to connect that to the present me. I think about the people in my life - the people I love; the people I would die for; the people who have been through the traumatic events with me. I think about my struggles and burdens and how much I've changed whether for better or for worse. Sometimes I trace my thoughts back to my childhood, when I didn't know these things, and when all I knew was innocence and happiness. A few months ago, I would also cry. That's right. I cried myself to sleep every other night. And it's not the kind of crying like you would do if your boyfriend broke up with you. It actually takes a lot to make me cry, but the past year I've done it a lot. Have you ever had a million thoughts running through your head at the same time and you just can't think straight? That happens to me sometimes, and it feels like my head is going to explode. I sit and I think about all the things I've been through and the fact that I am still semi-standing.

Apart from thinking, I use my time at night to write in my notebooks. It's like of like writing in this blog, only more satisfying, and I do it more dilligently every day. I use my notebooks as documentation of all the things that have happened to me. I've kept a notebook every year since I was in 7th grade. I just finished 11th grade. So I have 5 notebooks. It seems like I can't contain all of these things within me, so I have to release them somehow through my notebooks.

Yepp...I just wanted to update this thing. I evidently neglect it...

It's been a while...

SUMMER IS HERE!!!! Finally. It feels like I only live for summer alone. But for some reason, it doesn't feel like summer. I feel so restless, like I have to do something, but I don't know what it is that I need to do. I'm very tense, and I can't relax. Junior year took a lot out of me, and I guess maybe I can't get out of the habbit of stressing out. But the days are long and warm, so that makes things a whole lot better!

2nd winter break + Tri-holiday!

I hadn't had school all week because of all the massive snow we've had. Yay! I hate school. Anyway, this weekend consists of 3 holidays in one...valentines day, president's day, and Chinese new year all at once (year of the tiger...). Weird. Because of all the snow, the family isn't making too many extensive plans, which is fine by me. Even though I've done nothing but sit on my butt and watch movies all week and it gets kind of boring, I'm still not looking forward to going back to school.

junior year...halfway over!

me again. of course, who else would it be? I just finished all my exams. now i actually have a 5-day weekend :) but it's going to go by quickly, i know. It always does and the good things never last very long. I really don't want to think about my grades all that much because well, to be frank, they've gone down the drain. but I myself don't care too much about that...there's more important things than good grades. My parents on the other hand...I don't want to think about what they'd do when they find out. Alot of stuff has happened since I last wrote in here including but not limited to a failed attempted suicide (not mine), but I don't want to talk about it. I'm glad I have this long weekend. I need some me time. And I'm glad that first semester of junior year is over, because that means time is progressing, and soon junior year is going to end altogether.

On a different note, it's hailing outside o.o