late-night stuffz

I have a habbit of staying up really late on school nights, even when I'm not particularly doing homework or talking to anyone. When I do this, I am in my room at about 12:00-2:00 AM with the door closed and the light on, so my parents don't know what I am doing. They used to just assume that I was doing homework, but then they noticed that I do it on weekends too, and they get annoyed. My mom asked me what in the world I was doing up so late if I'm not doing schoolwork. At this point I just shrug and say "stuff", and get on with whatever it is that I am doing.

So what do I do at night? Well. I sit on my bed and think about everything in my life. I think about my past and sometimes try to connect that to the present me. I think about the people in my life - the people I love; the people I would die for; the people who have been through the traumatic events with me. I think about my struggles and burdens and how much I've changed whether for better or for worse. Sometimes I trace my thoughts back to my childhood, when I didn't know these things, and when all I knew was innocence and happiness. A few months ago, I would also cry. That's right. I cried myself to sleep every other night. And it's not the kind of crying like you would do if your boyfriend broke up with you. It actually takes a lot to make me cry, but the past year I've done it a lot. Have you ever had a million thoughts running through your head at the same time and you just can't think straight? That happens to me sometimes, and it feels like my head is going to explode. I sit and I think about all the things I've been through and the fact that I am still semi-standing.

Apart from thinking, I use my time at night to write in my notebooks. It's like of like writing in this blog, only more satisfying, and I do it more dilligently every day. I use my notebooks as documentation of all the things that have happened to me. I've kept a notebook every year since I was in 7th grade. I just finished 11th grade. So I have 5 notebooks. It seems like I can't contain all of these things within me, so I have to release them somehow through my notebooks.

Yepp...I just wanted to update this thing. I evidently neglect it...